All right,repeat after me.
I will never...
"I will never...
ever...
fuck mia again.
Fuck mia again.
"Thank you.
Jesus.Just saying itgets me wet.
Fuck you.
Find somebody else to pen yoursordid,little fucking tale.
Come on,man.Don't leave.We gota good thing going here.
It's been a long timesince I had me A...
friend.
Aw,shucks.I'm almost touched.
But you can't expect meto indulge your every fucking depraved whim!
Jesus christ.
I just realized what itmust be like to live with me.
You know,I-I really didn't think
you were gonna besuch a fucking ninny about the whole thing.
Oh,a "ninny"?
B-because I've had my shareof the tang?
Because I have my ownsordid past to contend with?
No.Because she told methat you guys fucked.
Be that as it may...
repeat after me...
Californication Season 02 Episode 07
you got to get meout of this shit,charlie.
I can't get youout of anything,hank.
You signeda fucking contract.
Since whenhas that ever mattered?
Look,it's either thisor you do the adaptationof "fucking & punching.
"Or,wait,no.
I'm sorry.I take that back.
I don't thinkI can get you that job.
I can't take it anymore.
The guy's gone kurtz.
He needs a doctor,not a biographer.
No one said you had to move inwith the guy.
You never do anything halfway,do you?
Says the man holdingthe plastic ass-gina.
What the fuckare we doing here,anyway?
Hello!
I'm edumacating myselfas to the variousmarketing opportunities available to the young porn starlet.
Holy shit.
You reallylike this girl,huh?
Yeah.Of course I like her.
I like her in the kind,paternal wayany agent likes someone
whose career is in his hands.
How about in the kind,paternal way in which a boysome times
likes to stickhis pee-pee inside a girl?
You like her that way,too?
I kind of did thatalready.
What?
Nigga,please!
I had to step in and stunt-cock.
-That's all. -"Stunt-cock"?
Long story.
You had to be there.
Stunt-cock.
Holy shit,johnny wad.
How we gonna keep you downon the farmnow
that you've penetrateda porn star?
It was just the tip.
Just the tip,then I popped.
Naturally.
Here's the deal.
This is what we've got to do.
You got to go home and grabcokey smurf,meet me at L.A.X.
We got to getthe hell out of town,palomino.
I mean,we are downthe rabbit hole,
and I'm afraidwe ain't never coming back.
Oh,my god!
Are you okay?
Jesus christ,lady!
You justcame out of nowhere.
You could havekilled me.
Looks like I'm gonna have toget your namefor insurance purposesand whatnot.
Oh,my god.
You're that asshole.
Why am I not surprised?
You know,it saddens me to thinkthat when you havean internal dialogue about me,
I'm "that asshole" and not"that handsome stranger"or "that guy
who made a messof my bush -- hank moody.
"It's nice to see you again,mrs...
Jones.
Jones?
Really?
After all thisrintgue,that's kind of a letdown.
Janie jones.
Oh,like the clash song.
That's fantastic.
I'm half-chubbed.
What do you saywe forget aboutthis whole "vehicularmanslaughter" thing
and I buy you a drink?
Yeah,I don't think so.
You know,I really thought thatthe threat of legal actionwas gonna do it,
but it looks likeI'm gonna have to employmy considerable powersof seduction.
You ready?
Oh,yeah.
I got nothing.
That's it.I'm out.
No,tomorrow night,in venice,marat.
I'll be the one staring intothe bottomless pit of despair.
Get there earlybefore I wet myself.
Oh,yeah!
Nailed it!
Oh,that's right --I still got it.
Okay.
I shouldn't betelling you guys this,but beccais my absolute favorite.
Oh,thank god!
I-I thought you were gonnacome down on herfor being a satanistor something,so.
Oh,please.
I think it's safe to saythat whole thing's just a phase,and,you know,
it probablyhas something to dowith whatever might be going onbetween you two.
I'm sorry.She made referenceto some changes at home.
Well,um,long story short,um,we were together,and now we're apart.
Again.
So,you're divorced?
Not exactly.
It's okay.
I'm not judging.
You know,I'm divorced.
Pretty recently,actually.
-Oh,I'm sorry. -Right on!
Hank.
Um,we were never married,so the divorce thing is...
no,but I did ask.
-A number of times. -Okay,not the timeor the place,hank.
I gave her a ring.She gave it back.
I gave itto a homeless woman.
I'm sorry.That's so sad.
It worked outfor the homeless woman.
So,um,none of thatreally matters right now.
What matters is that,um,we're togetherwhen it comes to raising becca.
Well,yes,but not always.
For instance,I want becca to bea lesbian when she grows up,
and karen just wants herto be happy.
That's ridiculous.Like,you can't be both?
A happy lesbian?
Karen: Classy.
Yeah,I know.You think,with all the moneythat we spend,
they could affordsome proper glassware.
Hey,have you seen mialately?
No.Why?
No more than usual.
Well,what does that mean?
What does it mean?
W-- I-I don't know.W-what do you mean?
Well,no,it's justI keep stopping by bill'sto check on her,
and she's never home.
So,I know she likesto hang outat ashby's den of iniquity,
-and so do you. -I have.
I have seen her there.
-Right. -Yeah.
You know,once in a while,not often.
Does she havea boyfriend?
I don't know.What is this,"sex and the city," girlfriend?
What's with allthe questions?
Well,it's just,last time she came for dinner,
she was asking meall these questionsabout dating an older man,
and it was like she was kind ofasking my approval.
Well,I hope youshut that shit down immediately.
No.
I mean,why would I?
You know,it's a perfectly validlife experienceif it's the right guy.
Why the fuck would you saysomething like that?
Why not?
I datedone of my professors once.
That's foul.
He was youngerthan you are now,actually.
I'm nauseous,actually.
The sex was fantastic,actually.
Now you're justtrying to get my goat.
Am I getting it?
Now,you're onlygonna have yourself to blameif this thinggets out of hand.
What thing?
This gross"older man" thing.
No.Well,I want youto keep an eye out.
I mean,make sure that shedoesn't go anywhere near ashby.
That guyis such a fucking scumbag.
Well,he means well,you know?
That sounds familiar.
I got to go..."phyllis.
-"Goodbye. -You're a dick,you know.
-Okay,okay,okay,okay,okay. -Your hair smells good.
Good.
It smells like lady hair.
Hey yourself,mrs.P.
I just wanted you to knowI love your writing.
Quite possiblymy four favorite wordsin the english language.
Hits allthe pleasure centers.
Positively rhapsodic.
I didn't thinkit was appropriate to say itin front of your,um...
yourex-wife,lover,or whatever.
Oh,god.I wish you had.
That would've pissed her off.
You like pissing her off,don't you?
I do.
I like pissing offmy ex,too.
Cool.
Is he watching?
Yeah,from the window.
Oh,well,I'll make sureto use my good cock.
Just so yoknow,I'm on my period.
Not sure I neededa verbal on that,for I care very littleabout such things.
I was in nam.
God.My ex always cared.
He thought it was dirty.
Oh,it is dirty...
in a good way.
Also,I haven't had much timeto trim the hedges lately,
if you knowwhat I'm saying.
I do know what you're saying,and,again,no worries.
I enjoya generous thicket.
I got to tell you,your feelings about periods
and pubic hair have just made mea bigger fan.
It's what I do.
Anything elseyou care to disclose?
I'm very excitedabout fucking you right now.
Oh,you are a chatty one,mrs.Patterson.
Baby.
Baby!
Look who I found.
Daisy?
Wh-what happened?
What's wrong?
She was sleeping outsidein her fucking car!
I didn't wantto bother you guys.
I just didn't knowwhere to go.
My fucking manager showed upat my apartment and --
you have a manager?
You remember the guy who wasshooting the "slam van" stuff?
That smelly,sleazy fuck?
That's your manager?
no,******* Ckinscumbag.
And you didn't thinkthis was worth mentioning?
I was just scared you wouldn'twant to work with me.
And then everythingjust happened so fast.
I'm really sorry,charlie.
What does he want?
Money.
He wants to bebought out of his contract.
Oh,that's ridiculous.
Clients get poachedall the time.
I put you in "vaginatown,"I get the commission.
Well,that's exactlywhat I told him.
And what did he say?
He trashed my apartmentand ate all my food.
I'm just gonna crashin my car.
-I just really don't want toput you guys out. -No,no,no.
Don't be silly.Don't be silly.
We'll -- we'll make upthe guest room.
Just get into bed,baby.
Mommy and daddywill keep you safe.
Marcy!
What?
She's scared shitless.
Come on,dais.
I'm too tiredto freshen upthe fucking guest room.
Mama needs her sleep.
Oh,god.
Oh,that was exactlywhat I needed.
Well,good for you,lady.
Happy to protect and serve.
What?
I think I'm gonna cry.
Oh,dear.
Don't do that.
No.It's,uh -- it's nota bad thing.
It's,um...
coming makes me cry.
I mean,on occasion.
I-I-I get that.
I mean,sometimes,after I co,I want to...
weep,you know?
But,usually,I just nap.
You know?
You want meto hug you or,uh...
comfort you in some...
fashion?
No,that's nice of you to offer,but it's --it's not necessary.
Okay.
Hey,where's the shitterin this joint?
Down the stairs,to the right.
Damien?
Mr.Moody?
You fucked my mom.
I fucked your mom?
I fucked your mom.
Did you hurt her?
Oh,no!
You didn't!
I can explain.
Oh,no,you can'T.
It's notwhat it looks like.
She wouldn't listento reason.
I didn't see you put upmuch of a fight there,lover.
You guys have got to stop this!
This is sick and wrong!
Sure.
It's sick and wrongwhen he does it,but it's perfectly finefor you to fuck me.
Stop saying that out loud.
It's not okay.
That's why we neverdid it again,mia.
Never say "never,"hankie.
Okay.I promiseI'll never do it again.
You've already done it againlike three times!
Far more than that.
Do you want karen to find outabout this,young lady?
I don't know,hank.
Do you want karento find out about this?
Because finding out about thiscould mean finding out about us,
which could very well meanthe death of hope,hank.
What the fuck is this?
Kurt fucking cobain...
played that.
Courtney gave it to me.
I helped her produce a demo,write some songs.
It's yours.
You're giving me kurt cobain'sguitar because you fucked mia?
No.I'm giving youkurt cobain's guitar because...
you're my only friend,and I,uh...
wait,no.
Take...
care of it.I mean,you --
you canput becca through collegewith that fucking thing.
Okay.
You hungry?
You like crepes?
I got a new panI want to try out.
That's what I'm gonna do --I'm gonna make us some crepes.
Becca,it's nothalf as crazy as it sounds.
Becca: Fuck you!
Okay.
But I thinkthat your languageis perhapsa tad inappropriate.
Oh,it's fucking appropriate,all right.
Karen,will you -- will youcut me some slack here?
Do you see me frontingin any way?
I've admittedthat I'm wrong,you know.
Still,I don't think thatthat --you don't talkto your old man that way.
Oh,well,you do if he fuckedyour boyfriend's mother.
I didn't know,okay?
And I don't likeall this "boyfriend" talk.
Well,of courseyou didn't know.
How could you ever be expectedto know such a thing?
Yes.Yeah,you know what?
You know,if you look atthis thing in a certain light,
the whole mess can be viewedas almost entirely your fault.
Come on.
Well,you didn't tell me aboutthe boy until the dinner party.
How was I supposed to knowwho his mother was?
Oh,well,if you were notso preoccupiedwith sticking your dickin any hole that will have you,
you might noticethese things.
Yes,but you kicked my dickout of the house.
You made my dick homeless.
And out of doorsis a placewhere penisesdon't generally fare well
in the rain and the windand all that.
Hank,shut up,okay?
My homeless dicknow must seek shelterfrom the stormwhere and whence it can.
Did she say to you,"oh,hank,I love your writing"?
You see that?This is whywe should be together.
You just know my shit.
-It's perfect. -It's whywe shouldn't be together.
She needed a good cry.
She was lonely.What's the harm?
The harm?
Oh,well,the harmis right there,okay?
That is the harm -- big harm.
And the worst part isshe was defending you.
What do you mean?
Well,he didn'tbreak it off with her.
He -- he just saidthat you were a dickfor sleeping with his mother.
That's legitimate.
But that did notsit well with her
because no one talks shit about her beloved father.
So she broke it offwith him.
Fuck.
Don't you daretouch me.
Kurt cobainplayed this guitar.
If you treat it right,you'll never have to workanother day in your life.
You can't buy your wayout of this one.
Damien was right --you are a dick.
Hey,mrs.Patterson.
Is,uh,damien home?
He's,um -- he's not here.
He's at band practice.
Do you want to come in?
I-I don't think that would besuch a great idea.
Don't let him scare you.
He's a good kid.
He's just very protectiveof his mother.
That's a good thing.
Well,I mean,we can't let our kidsruin a perfectly excellentsexual chemistry,can we?
Jesus.
You know,when you put it that way,it soundspretty fucking reasonable.
Can you -- can you write thatdown for me for laterin caseI need to use it?
Old man,I will gofucking medieval on your ass!
Hey,settle down,townshend.
I came here to talk to you,mano a mano.
Hey,damien!
-Come on. -Settle down,buddy.
What is it?
What can I do for you?
Let's figure this out.Come on.
Okay.Here we go.
Come on,man.
What can I do for you?
N-nothing.
There's nothing you can do.
You're dead to me,and becca's totally dead to me.
Well,that's a shame.
That's a crying shamebecause she appears to bevery fond of you.
Really?
What'd she say?
Nothing that I could everrepeat without vomiting.
Now,come on.What can we do?
Let's figure this out.
Okay.First of all,repeat after me.
Okay.
I will never...
"I will never...
ever...
fuck my mom again.
Fuck my mom again.
Fuck your momagain.
Boys,we don't have to beso quick to...
fine.
Whatever you want.
Okay?
We good?Anything else?
What's upwith the guitar?
Ladies,I am home!
Well,if it isn'tmr.Big fucking hollywood agent.
Steal any fucking clientson the way here,you bald motherfucker?
Is everybody okay here?
Yeah.
I think it's calleda "pimp go get.
"Charlie:You come to my house,you push arounda couple of girls.
You could have called,texted,we work this out ourselves.
You poached my girl.
That skank --she belongs to me.
Sweetheart,put those fingers away.
Who knowswhere they've been?
Oh,wait a second.I fucking do.
They've been in my ass.
Oh,that was one time.
One good time.
Hey,jerk-off,you knowwhat a fucking contract is?
This is nota very good deal,daisy.
You think?
Bad news -- you're connected togilbert gottfried here for life.
Good news -- this will neverhold up in court,asshole.
Maybe not,perry mason,but guess what?
A lot of not-nice shitcan happen during that time.
You want to fuckingtake that chance?
Motherlesscunt bastard!
-Fuck you. -Fuck you!
Okay.
You know what?That wasn't very nice at all.
That's my soy milk,and I have serious dairy issues.
Yes,you do.
I want youout of my house now.
And,you,please put my wife down.
I got no problemwith that.
But daisy --she's coming with me.
Sweetheart,come on,honey.
We've got a past.
You know that whole speculumseries we wanted to do?
I thinkthe time is right.
Come on,honey.Let's make some porn!
How much you wantfor her?
She's not a fucking slave,charlie!
You know what,pal?
I believe in this girl!Yeah.
She is gonna bea huge star one day.
"Vaginatown"is just the beginning.
There will be much ruingof this day.
Ruing,right.
Big fucking star.
Jenna fucking jameson.
Wait a second.
There's fucking chinese!
Big!
Okay,look.It's all gonna be okay.
Everything's cool.
I'm gonna give him some moneyfrom the emergency fund.
Oh,no,no,no.
No,no,no,no,no.Baby.
Charlie: Baby,you said it yourself --she's family,okay?
And that's whatthe money's for -- emergencies.
I can'tlet you do this.
What'sthe alternative,huh?
You go back with this guy,the next thing you know,
you're starring in your own lineof gynecological training films.
Not on my watch.
Okay.Baby.Baby!
-Maybe you could justwrite him a check. -I will give himwh--
all of it?
You spent all of it?
That was my mad money,baby.
Pleasure doing businesswith you,captain jackass!
I love that car.
I'm sorry,daddy.
I don't knowwhat happened to me.
You're goingto your mother'S.
But going to my mother'smakes me want to do drugs!
A lot of 'em!
I don't want to hear it.
It's a good placefor you to chill out.
Whatever you say,daddy.
I'll help you knock this monkeyoff your back,baby.
If you let me.
Where are we going?
Nowhere.
Just going for a walk.
No one walks in L.A.
We do.
Always have,always will.
We're new yorkers.
There is no "always.
"There's just right now.
You don't like me very muchright now,do you?
No.
I don'T.
You know,I knowI say this too much --all the time,probably,
but I was wrongto do what I did,and I was wrong to be so glibabout trying to fix it.
There is no rightor wrong,dad,just the consequencesof your actions.
You taught me that.
I guess I don't likethe consequences of my actionsvery much right now.
Yeah.
Me neither.
So,uh...
what is it that you like so muchabout this boy?
I don't know.
Come on.
It's got to be something.
Use your words.
He's really smart.
Let's not go crazy.
And he makes mefeel pretty.
Well,that you are.
You're very pretty.You're beautiful.
Shut up.I'm not beautiful.
Don't say that.
Look.
Don't ever say that.
You are beautiful.
You're the most beautiful thingin the world to me.
Then treat me that way.
I'm alwayson your side,dad,always.
Even when I shouldn't be.
But I'm sick of it.
Get your shit togetherbefore it's too late!
I don't careif you and momnever say another kind wordto each other,
but I'm sick and tiredof parenting you both.
I'm a fucking kid!
I don't know what I'm doinghalf the time.
But I do know this --if you keep cracking jokesand taking another drink
and pretending that lifeis one big,stupid party,
you will miss everything.
Damien: Becca!
You have fun,okay?
Not too much fun.
Hey,damien.
You think I might take you downto the guitar centerand get you something coolerthan that one?
-That'S... -no,man.
This guitar is awesome.
It's like...
it's like somethingcobain would have played.
Awesome.
Have fun,honey.
May I have another,please?
I don't think so.
Really?Am I that sloshed?
No.But if I'm gonnatake you home with me,
I don't want you to beat...
half-mast.
I'm so flattered.
I just don't think I'dbe very good companyfor anybody tonight.
Why not?
I've heard good things.
No,I am very agreeable.
And you are nothingif not a beautiful barmaid.
I've just got a little too much of my daughter's voicerunning around in my head right now
to be good companyfor anybody.
That's not as creepyas it sounds,either.
Honestly.
So,uh,tonight,I think you're just gonnahave to settle for...
the tip!
Just the tip!
Get it?
Got it?Good.
Good night,hank.
Good night,beautiful barmaid.
Am I too late?
Did you alreadywet yourself?
So,what are we drinking?